Im trying to keep this fairly short, but felt bad that I havent blogged in awhile. Went back to work, so Ive been busy getting back into some kind of groove. Though I dont care much for the gig, Im making the best of it. Had to give our kitties up, the owner was reminded that we hadnt actually paid the pet deposit (as much as our rent)...we miss them very much but hope they have a better home.  We rearranged and cleaned the apartment, and the energy seems to flow better. I also purged a good portion of my tarot/oracle collection by putting them up for sale locally...I have a few reasons for it, but no worries, the ones that I am really drawn to, I can replace at another time. Working with the affirmations, trying to meditate more, and be more gentle with myself. Making myself be more active in all areas of my life, finding that some things need to maybe be eased into, while others I need to take more action...ah such a struggle to find balance sometimes. I have many contemplations to share, but Im still sharing the computer with my husband, and he is addicted to Last Chaos online, arg. We have been attempting to compromise, and now considering another computer again. I wish I could share better, but sometimes, you just dont want to be rushed through your turn. Learning to see his perspective more, not just my own. Well, will type more later friends. 

Peace and Blessings,

 Eala 

Well, now I cant decide what I want to do for the Fall Equinox...the holistic festival at the college (which I cant really afford), the Apple Festival (apple picking, cider and hayrides with friends), the Community Art Project (helping paint a community mural downtown), or just having a private thing with the hubbie. Im leaning towards the apples, or the mural. Why does stuff have to all happen on the same day? Infact, the next couple of months are full of interesting happenings and gatherings, and I would love to be involved in all of them really, but I have to pick and choose of course. I have a hard time even making myself get out the door sometimes, but I am trying to be better about that. I know it doesnt help my depression staying in this tiny apartment all the time, and I feel like I am seriously neglecting my non-imaginary friends that are out there in the world bravely living their lives, while I am a coward wallowing in my own despair and pain. Yes, yes, get over it, I know, I tell myself this all the time. I can feel the frustration with me coming off my friends and family like heat. Believe me, Im frustrated with me. Im an intensely emotional creature, I hate being so ruled by my emotions, and they have been very near the surface for months now. Emotions are good for my art and poetry, and in my unselfish moments, I can be quite empathic, but I know Im not tough enough.
But this time of year I think of the harvest, what I am harvesting in my life, and gratitude, definantly gratitude. And something I am always, always, always grateful for are all of the wonderful, beautiful, DIVINE people I have had the good fortune of knowing and having the opp0rtunity to learn from them. I suppose there is something good about me if I have had and continue to have the gift of amazing friends. It is in Nature, and in these people, that I see what is called GOD (or Goddess). Why can I not see "GOD" in myself, it must be there. Perhaps I am harvesting a new SELF/self. A good friend speaks of hope, but do I dare to hope again? I know that without the pain, I cannot fully experience the good things.....honestly though, alot of the time its just pain....physical, mental, and emotional, and the emotional pain seems to be the hardest to bear. Look at this, Im such a downer...was just trying to work some thoughts out, sorry for the negativity. I wear a pendant of a snake around a crystal ball, and I feel as if Snake energy has been with me, perhaps because of this time of transformation. If I dont get better looking, maybe Ill get a bit smarter, wiser? Well, the journey continues, and I suppose that is enough for now to be grateful for.
More (optimistic) musings later, my dear friends.
Love and Zen Hugs to Everyone,
Eala

There's nothing like a pair of good-fitting jeans....I ripped the ass out of favorite pair months and months ago, and have just gotten around to fixing them. Since I usually have little money, and I like to recycle my clothes as best as I can, I spent most of the day handsewing on patches, and I even opened up the sides of the jeans and added insets of black and brown velvet patchwork, making them totally hippified bell bottoms. Yea, new jeans again. Hope my patches hold now. Wish I had pics to share. I have so many sewing projects, its a little overwhelming, especially since all I have are my hands and a needle, and my hands are giving me more problems these days. I still have to make a pair of white harem pants for my part as the White Witch/Gypsy/Queen in a game of live chess we Adrians are playing next month, and considering I messed up my last pair of harem pants (measured wrong), Im a teeny nervous. Im clever, I can figure it out, but sure wish I had a machine.....days (weeks) of work by hand, becomes hours. I have great costuming/design ideas, and keep coming across gorgeous fabric, but feel disheartened at the amount of work. Used to want to be fashion designer once upon a time. Used to want to be alot of things.....
So that will probably be my main thing for the next couple of weeks...handsewing garb. Fun. But I am looking forward to the Fall Equinox next weekend. I love Autumn, and not just because my birthday is coming up (stopped having those anyway). I love the leaves and colors, even the smell and quality of light is different. I hope to celebrate the harvest season with good friends and family, and baby kitties.
Peace,
Eala

Well, we were offline for a bit, but here we are again... I suppose the blogging thing has become much less a priority as of late. Ive gone back to a good ol fashioned paper journal, and atleast there I can say whatever I want. I feel like I have to be guarded on my blogs, there are many things that I dont feel I can speak freely about. Its fine really, Im not intending to be secretive or dishonest or anything like that, but I am a Scorpio and there are parts of my life and myself that I just keep to myself. Im sure some of my true opinions on certain things would be shocking to some anyway. Anyway...

I was trying to make a final push to finish the Color Your Own Tarot deck that I began almost a year ago, and getting very excited that it was nearing completion and that I could soon use it...until....as I was putting some last touches on the Ten of Pentacles card with gel pen, I stupidly shook the pen too hard because the ink wasnt coming out properly, and spattered the whole card with green ink, ruining it. Yes, it was only one card, but I cried. After all, I had put ALOT of time and energy into the deck, and I was anxious for its completion. And what good is a reading deck without all of the cards? Im still kicking myself, and honestly, have been too bummed to finish the rest of the detailing I had planned. I guess I shouldnt be that upset, I didnt draw the designs, but alot of work went into personalizing them. So, I suppose now that I HAVE to obtain a second copy, just to make a replacement Ten of Pents....but then I have a whole other deck with one missing card...maybe just keep the extras in case I have to replace more of them. The double-deck idea is out, atleast with this one. Frustration!

In happier developments, our cat Pearl gave birth to six kittens last week, all gray fuzz balls. I hope I can find good homes for all of them, and it is so tempting to keep one. Pearl's sister Arianrhod is acting strangely towards her, hissing at her...dont know what that is about.

BTW horror Fans-dont bother with the new Halloween movie, written and directed by our friend Rob Zombie, who I once again gave the benefit of the doubt (after House of a 1000 Corpses), and was once again disappointed. Im beginning to think he only makes these movies to see his wife, who he casts in every one (this time as Michael Myer's stripper mom), run around half nekkid.

Not much else happening at the moment, Im gonna go watch some more horrible movies.
Peace,

Eala